Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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