oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
