i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
