ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
