my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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