My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
