i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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