I wish I only lived at night.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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