There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
