I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
