new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
