That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
