did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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