So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
