a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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