If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
