plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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