listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
