You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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