i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
