I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
