i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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