and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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