Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
