I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
