hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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