His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
