3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
