I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
