I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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