a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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