i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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