True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
