Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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