my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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