At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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