How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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