this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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