my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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