And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
