your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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