So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
