____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Randomize
