I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
