I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
