Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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