So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
