I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
