I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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