i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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