batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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